MELANIE: Siri?

SIRI: Hi, Melanie. . .  what can I do for you?

MELANIE: What is the deadliest of all shits?

SIRI: That's not nice.

MELANIE: Siri, that doesn't help me.

SIRI: Home sweet Mac. Here's what you can ask me to do. 

MELANIE:  Please, tell me, what shit is likeliest to kill me?

SIRI: !

MELANIE: Again, tell me, what shit is likeliest to kill me?

SIRI: !

MELANIE: That's not funny. How am I most likely to die by shit?

SIRI: You're OK. And I'm OK. And this is the best of all possible worlds.

MELANIE: Please really, really tell me. I really would like to know, can shit kill me?

SIRI: Oooh!
 
MELANIE: Excrement. Can I die from excrement?

SIRI: I don't know how to respond to that.

MELANIE: Can poop kill? 

SIRI: I don't know how to respond to that.

MELANIE: Do feces have germs that are deadly?

SIRI: OK, I found this on the web for "do feces have germs that are deadly."

MELANIE: OK. So can I die from dog shit?

SIRI: Now, now.

MELANIE: Can I die from raccoon shit?

SIRI: I hope you don't kiss your mother with that mouth. 

MELANIE: Can I die from human shit? 

SIRI: There's no need for that.

MELANIE: I have shit on my sandal.

SIRI: !

MELANIE: I have a turd on my sandal.

SIRI: I don't understand "I have a turn on my sandal. But I could search the web for it.

MELANIE: I have a turdddddd on my sandal.

SIRI: I don't know what you mean by "I have a turd on my sandal. How about a web search for it?

MELANIE: I have caca on my sandal.

SIRI: I don't get it. But I can check the web for "I have Khafka on my sandal" if you like.

MELANIE: Siri, can dog crap on my sandal kill me?

SIRI: I don't know how to respond to that.